Dear Tranny: Dykes and the City

Advice is a drag, unless you’re seeking guidance from Culturcosm’s campy counselor. Looking for insider know-how on making the best of the Bay? Dear Tranny has just what you need and she always gives it up. Penned by Sandra O. Noshi-Di’n't.
Vol. 12: Dykes and the City

Dear Tranny,

I recently moved to San Francisco from New York City. Having once been a NYC chick yourself, I’m sure you’re familiar with the lesbian nightlife there. But where do I find it here? Where can a dynamic dyke like me find some action in the Bay?

Looking for Lezzies

Dear Looking,

Gurrrl, I know what you mean. Looking for a lesbian hang out in San Francisco is almost as difficult as finding a straight man at an Exodus International retreat. But because I consider myself a tranny of all trades, I know where to find some girl-on-girl action. So I waved my curling iron and came up with this sumptuous selection of Sapphic hot spots.

The Lexington Club is considered to be the most popular girl bar in the city. This Mission District institution is teeming with hot babes and cheap booze. Another great bar, The WildSide West, located in the heart of Bernal Dykes [ahem] Heights, is also quite popular with the local lesbian community. Les Ladiez, every Thursday night at The Lookout, attracts a great mix of girls, from L Word lipsticks to softball dykes. With super drink specials, cute shot girls, and a rotating cast of girlicious DJs, Thursday nights might just become your must-she night of the week.

Interested in cutting a rug? No, no, honey. I mean, on the dance floor! If you’ve got rhythm and are looking for some pop chemistry, San Francisco’s most homolicious dance party Cockblock is for you. You can bust your best moves every second Saturday at The Rickshaw. And, for the discerning dyke who demands a more exclusive level of entertainment when she hits the town, there’s Ciel Salon at 41 Sutter Street in the Financial District. This monthly private social club is located in a penthouse suite with a rooftop deck and sweeping city views. Ciel Salon happens every third Saturday.

Now that you’re sufficiently equipped, your nights may never be lonely again. Happy hunting!

Remember, Tranny knows best.

xoxo
Sandra

Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.

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Dear Tranny: Love Boot Camp

Dear Tranny,

I was in love with a boy for a year. He made me breakfast while I slept, wrote me love letters, and hung on my every word. We played together, laughed together; it was a dream. But at some point in time he became detached from me. He begun putting his friends and hobbies before me, and would never seem to want to hang out. We were boyfriends, and we were in love, so I didn’t think much of it because I knew he’d still be there for me at the end of the night. But soon, it became apparent to both of us that tides were turning, and our love came to a crashing halt. In the haste of human emotion, we ended the relationship via text warfare.

I spent the next two weeks attempting to talk to him about it and he was robotic, non responsive, and disinterested. I was absolutely devastated that this boy who bragged about having me at his side, who bought me flowers and adored me, could so easily and casually drop me from his life while I was standing there with a bleeding heart. Thoughts and insecurities enveloped me. Was he never really in love with me? Did I do something wrong? How could he not feel this hurt that I am feeling!? I still tried to get closure from him but he just wouldn’t let out his emotion; he would not tell me anything he was feeling.

Days turned into weeks and I wanted to move on with my life, but could not. I am in love. I feel like I cannot begin to love another because I still love him. My friends tell me, “oh just forget him” but I can’t! Is it wrong that I am human? I know he has moved on, which makes my struggle even that more desperate and difficult. I feel like I have been played— a fool, a sucker, for love. Dear Tranny, how do I stop loving someone who no longer loves me?

Little Red Riding Hood

Dear Little Red,

I feel your pain, boo. Even Miss Sandra has had her share of heartaches and tranny tribulations before becoming a trantastic trooper! That’s why I’m going to have to step into drag drill sergeant mode and let ya have it. It’s not because I’m unsympathetic, soldier; it’s because I know exactly where you’re coming from. Even though at times, I thought that might have been right out of a new Lifetime original movie.

The first thing you should realize is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned about life: we are not responsible for what other people think. Let this be your new mantra. With that in mind, whether your ex-boyfriend has moved on or not should have no bearing on your relationship recovery. If you concentrate solely on that, you are allowing someone else to continue to have power over you. The focus should be on you and you alone. Moving on and getting over him will take some time, but it’s achievable.

I also noticed that you placed a lot of significance on being in love. While the feeling of being in love can be utterly amazing, it can also be like a bad high, impairing and clouding your judgment. The fact that two people are in love should not excuse either of you of bad behavior. You need to look in the mirror and reassure yourself that you’re worthy of being loved. And most importantly— Gurrrl, you need to love yo-self! Because, if you don’t, no one else will. Get my drift?

Know that sometimes a broken heart may require a professional’s aid. Therapy is a great outlet for many to work out loose ends and build the foundation for resiliency. An emotional wound is exactly like a physical wound. When the heart that you wear on your sleeve gets torn to pieces, it will take some time but it will mend. You’re no casualty of love. You’re a survivor!

Remember, Tranny knows best.

xoxo
Sandra

Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.

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Dear Tranny: Ever-Lashing Love

Dear Tranny,

I love me some eyelashes like the next gal, but alas, my genes yielded me less-than-lush lashes. I am a total drag queen in a female’s body, but I have yet to master the fake lash. I’ve bought the cheap ones and even the super spendy ones (including some delicious feathery red ones!). It doesn’t seem to matter. They all fall off before I can even get my first flirty wink in! What am I doing wrong?

Lashing Out

Dear Lashing,

You may have been born with demure lashes, but you don’t have to settle for anything less than dramatic. I just wouldn’t even think of getting into face without mine. A bold lash is a must. As Tranny’s late, great lash icon Tammy Faye once mused, without eyelashes you just wouldn’t be you!

Many false eyelash manufacturers fail to mention the importance of adhesive in their directions. The light adhesive that false eyelashes are treated with is not strong enough to make a lasting stick. Whether you’re opting for realism or you’re ready to attempt the tantalizing tarantula, the key is lash glue.

Let Tranny be your guide to reclaiming your wink. Make sure to start with a very steady hand. Line each lash with a very thin coat of lash glue. Wait a minute or two for the lash glue to dry a bit, to prime it for adhesion. Starting at one corner of your eye, place the false lash as close as you can to your natural lash line, finishing it at the other corner. Having the false lashes rest on your natural lashes helps give it an extra boost.

For longer, thicker and darker lashes you won’t have to re-apply, try doctor-prescribed Latisse, the first FDA-approved solution used to grow eyelashes. A two-month supply will cost you about $120. If you want to bypass the trip to the doctor, you can try the non-prescription eyelash growth stimulator Lilash. A small tube will last you five months and cost around $140. A word of warning, my little lash lover: the solution will cause hair growth wherever it is applied. A sloppy application will increase lash length, yes, but also leave you with an unfortunate case of raccoon eye.

Here’s wishing you nothing but ever-lashing love from here on out.

Remember, Tranny knows best.

xoxo
Sandra

Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.

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Dear Tranny: Well-Heeled Society

Dear Tranny,

I’m so envious. I see fab trannies that can spin on a dime and run in high heels. I’m a biological woman and I can’t! Do you have any tips for me?

Hoping for Higher Heels

Dear Hoping,

Contrary to tranny urban legend, I was not born sashaying out my drag mother’s tuck, in a pair of eight-inch stilettos; they were only six.

Not counting the times when a then fledgling Sandra would prance around the house in her mother’s sling backs, I began wearing high heels habitually only recently. As shocking an admission as this may be, I wasn’t a natural. Unfortunately, grace at high altitudes doesn’t come naturally to everyone.

The key to being a pro with your pumps is two-fold— patience and practice. I started doing virtually everything in my stilettos, from washing the dishes to vacuuming the floor. The best part is feeling like you’re turning mundane chores into a glamour hour. It was the most effective way for me to start to feel at ease and shed my linebacker gait. And, before I knew it, I was working the runway in no time. Of course, being chased by the cops on Polk Street had the extra-added benefit of training me to be an expert stiletto sprinter.

Technically speaking, you should look to focus your weight onto the balls of your feet. The tiptoe technique is not only a tried-and-true method but is also assurance that you always look dainty and delicate when you walk. Keep in mind that we trannies owe our fierceness to the generations of real women who showed us what it meant to sashay first. Tranny kicks her heels up to you, girl!

Remember, Tranny knows best.

xoxo
Sandra

Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.

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Dear Tranny: This is Just a Test

Dear Tranny,

I think I might have an STD. I’ve never had one before. I have a primary care physician that I go to for routine check-ups, but I don’t want to see her for this because I fear that she will judge me. Do you know where else can I get tested for a potential STD?

Shameful, Terrified, & Depressed (STD)

Dear STD,

First of all, you shouldn’t feel ashamed at all. I understand that you’re scared and feeling down, but sexually transmitted diseases can happen to anyone. In fact, your resident tranny started off her new year with her very first. And let me tell you, it certainly didn’t deserve any applause.

I can understand your not wanting to go to your regular doctor because of embarrassment, but know that you won’t be judged. But if you absolutely don’t feel comfortable, our wonderful city offers several different options. And, for all you sexually active recessionistas, most of the services are offered either at low or no cost.

The Bay Area offers an easy, free, confidential, and do-it-yourself approach to getting tested through www.STDTest.org. For you jet-setters, who are always on the go and prefer a one-stop-shopping experience, you can visit the San Francisco City Clinic. In addition to clinical exams and evaluation, the Clinic offers on-site lab testing, on-site dispensation of medications and STD patient education, partner notification and treatment services. You can also make an appointment at Haight Ashbury Free Clinics. I personally recommend Magnet located in the heart of the Castro, for self-identifying men who have sex with men. Note that all the testing locations I’ve listed offer a comprehensive screening of various STDs including HIV.

With any potential STD, the sooner you treat it, the better it will be. And remember, STDs are a fact of life and don’t discriminate. Nor does it make you any less of a person. I personally give you props for wanting to act quickly and check it out. In the meantime, always remember to practice safe sex: No glove, no love; no balloon, no party!

Remember, Tranny knows best.

xoxo
Sandra

Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.

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Dear Tranny: Blonde Ambition

Dear Tranny,

I am a natural brunette and have been thinking for quite some time about changing my hair color. I’ve always fantasized about being a blonde. I heard that they have more fun. I’m pretty frugal with my finances and would prefer to avoid ridiculously expensive salon prices to achieve my blonde ambition. Is there an over-the-counter (box) alternative? What about those new highlighting kits?

Blonde Ambitious

Dear Ambitious,

If there’s one thing I encourage everyone to indulge in regularly, it’s fantasy. There’s nothing more satisfying (or safe) than letting your imagination run wild. Just don’t let your dye hard sensibilities get in the way of better judgment.

When choosing a natural and passable hair color, keep in mind that skin tone, eye color, and ethnic background all play a huge role. I remember when I was just a baby tranny, I wanted so bad to be blonde— to be just like my icon Kylie Minogue. Thankfully I never made that fantasy a reality. As Tila Tequila and Sinsu (wannabe BFF to forever flaxen Paris Hilton) have proved, Asian and blonde can be an ill-fitting combination.

You definitely get what you pay for when it comes to hair color. Unless you have some experience using box colors, I wouldn’t suggest using them. And because you are seeking a pretty significant change, which may require multiple processes, I highly recommend having it done in a salon. The same goes for the highlighting kit. You’ll end up with a ridiculously indeterminate hair color by attempting to dodge a ridiculously expensive salon. Keep in mind that many top salons in the city offer classes for their assistants, where you can be a hair model and receive color services at a discounted price.

Most importantly, know that fun comes from within, and has nothing to do with how you get your hair did. My rich, bouncy, and deeply-hued locks and I have enough fun to make even Britney or Lindsay want to turn to the dark side.

Remember, Tranny knows best.

xoxo
Sandra

Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.

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Dear Tranny: Rice, Rice, Baby

Dear Tranny,

I am a gay white boy who is really into Asians. I am also a “wigger”— you know, a white boy with thug appeal. Basically, I’m pretty fly for your average white guy. It seems like I can get no love from my Asian homies because they, straight up, ain’t feelin’ my thug appeal. I always see the ones I like, chasing after other white boys. But always the “Abercrombie” jock types. What’s up with that?

Forlorn in da Fillmore

Dear Forlorn,

Honey, I totally identify with your flavor for the rice. You got some refined taste and, from the sounds of it, a truly original sense of style.

I can’t tell you how important it is to embrace who you are. As our pop Grandma heartily encourages “Express yourself.” Your two scoops of Vanilla Ice with a topping of Eminem is a signature item but not something every guy will crave. And that’s ok! Don’t compromise who you are by morphing into an “Abercrombie” archetype, in the hopes of maximizing your chances of getting the boys.

I’m sure you’ve heard before that there is someone for everyone out there. I absolutely believe that’s true. You just haven’t met him yet. Next time you venture out into the rice paddy, go with confidence and you’ll find your Mr. Sum Yung Guy before you know it. Sho nuf!

Remember, Tranny knows best.

xoxo
Sandra

Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.

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Dear Tranny: Hooker In Training

Dear Tranny,

I’ve recently been invited to a costume party and have decided to go as a domestic entrepreneur aka hooker. Do you know where I can find a decent outfit and shoes to complete my ensemble?

Hooker In Training (H.I.T.)

Dear H.I.T.,

This is an assignment right up Tranny’s alley. Not that I work there anymore, but I got that look down pat. After all, they don’t call me the Rice Cooker Hooker for nuttin’.

For the gal with more dates than time, the Foxy Lady Boutique in the Mission is an ideal one-stop shop. In addition to their magnum selection of erotic and fetish wear, they’ve got shoes for every kind of working girl. I even got my first pair of hooker heels from Foxy Lady. Don’t be afraid to make a statement. Nothing screams hooker to me more than good ole Lucite.

Another favorite of mine that always delivers the big payoff— New York Apparel in the Haight. This is the place to get your hose cheap. Hosiery, that is, lest you thought I was talking ‘bout the other kind.

If you’re still a little bashful about your newfound passion, you may prefer to shop online. Both Electrique Boutique and Trashy Lingerie carry either the same or similar items found in our neighborhood treasure troves. Just keep in mind, shipping and handling your package will cost extra.

Now, go shop that heart of gold to your inner hooker’s content. Unleash that Pretty Woman! But if you happen to run into Richard Gere, send him my way.

And remember, Tranny knows best.

xoxo
Sandra

Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.

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Dear Tranny: Desperately Seeking Sushi

Dear Tranny,

Where can one find decent sushi in the city? I am a bit of a sushi snob and faux sushi (California Rolls or Spider Rolls) just doesn’t cut it. Where can I find traditional Japanese sushi without all the hype?

Desperately Seeking Sushi

Dear Desperately,

If there’s one thing I’m an expert on, it’s the art of serving fish. A connoisseur of all things in the raw, I am constantly on the hunt for stellar sushi, wherever I am. And I feel you on the faux front. That’s almost like settling for Hailey over Hilary Duff.

If you’re looking for traditional, authentic and, most importantly, palatable sushi, it most likely won’t be found floating on a boat, at an all-you-can-eat buffet, or where sake bombs are going off.

Murasaki Sushi Bar and Kyo-ya are as authentic as they come. Another favorite Moshi Moshi offers “contemporary” rolls alongside their more traditional sushi offerings— some of the best I’ve had in the city. All three restaurants offer a pleasant ambiance and are perfect locations for first dates.

Now bear in mind: with sushi, as with men, you get what you pay for. If it’s good, it ain’t cheap. But, if you’re like me, it definitely beats having to fish around for something worth swallowing.

And remember, Tranny knows best.

xoxo
Sandra

Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.

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Dear Tranny: Drag 101

Dear Tranny,

I am a huge fan of drag in San Francisco. I love you and Miso Hornay, both representing the Asian community, as well as the Duchess Landa Lakes. I am Chinese and a biological girl with the spirit of a drag queen. How could I get started in drag? Is there an audition for the House of Glitter?

LesbAsian Fatale

Dear LesbAsian,

Thank you for your sweet words. It is a quite an honor for me to be representing my Asian sistahs.

The most important tip I can give you is that drag is a state of mind. And from what I am hearing, that’s the only state of mind you got! You belong to that rare breed of drag called “faux queens,” biological women who impersonate a man impersonating a woman. It’s all very Victor/Victoria, my dragling.

I was adopted into the House of Glitter in 2007. Both my tranny granny Landa Lakes and drag mom Pollo Del Mar taught me how to “paint.” Shortly after, I began to perform. But know it’s not essential to have a drag mother or belong to a drag house. It’s really all about what you make your drag to be.

San Francisco’s drag culture is unique and quite different from most I’ve encountered. In many parts of the country, it’s more about the art of female illusion —being PF (passably female)— and traditional pageant life. I consider drag in San Francisco to be a bit more rough. What we lack in being traditional, we make up for with avant-garde and cutting edge performances, which was always a signature at the now retired, Trannyshack. But luckily, these types of performances can still be seen at Charlie Horse, The Monster Show, and the new Mary-Go-Round show, Wednesday nights at The Lookout.

Drag is a special and integral part of San Francisco’s history and current social climate. To me, it represents what life in The City is all about— accepting and embracing all our diversity. So, to those of you who are about to give face, I salute you. Never let that mascara run.

And remember, Tranny knows best.

xoxo
Sandra

Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.

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Dear Tranny: Dykes and the City

Dear Tranny: Love Boot Camp

Dear Tranny: Ever-Lashing Love

Dear Tranny: Well-Heeled Society

Dear Tranny: This is Just a Test

Dear Tranny: Blonde Ambition

Dear Tranny: Rice, Rice, Baby

Dear Tranny: Hooker In Training

Dear Tranny: Desperately Seeking Sushi

Dear Tranny: Drag 101

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