What’s Your Damage? Drive By

Posted on September 14, 2009 
Filed Under What's Your Damage?

People are strange, and no one knows it better than Heather, our resident smart-mouthed, drink-slingin’, sociologist. Join her adventures in the ridiculous, hilarious, and grotesque, on a quest to understand just what makes us Bay Area weirdos tick.

Vol. 5: Drive By

When I’m driving down a busy road and the light is clearly green and someone is sauntering across the street, clearly not obeying the don’t walk sign or color of traffic lights, can I speed up to try and teach them a lesson?
— 4Run’er Over in Oakland

Dear 4Run’er Over,
While I’m slightly horrified that you’re inquiring about justification for inciting the fear of death in someone, I empathize that pedestrians can be amazingly oblivious in the crosswalk. It’s frustrating when someone walks into the intersection just as the light is changing, but to do so at a leisurely pace, especially if they’re on a cell phone, that’s just narcissistic foolishness. Now, no one likes to knock an egomaniac off a pedestal more than I do. But before you get all revved up calculating how many points you could get for hitting homie, consider this:

According to the California Department of Motor Vehicles, an act such as this could cost you up to $1000 in fines, or worse, land you in state prison for up to six months (ouch on many fronts). That doesn’t sound worth it at all! Especially if said pedestrian gets to sit on the sidewalk and laugh as you get chastised by Officer Nasty.

There’re bound to be a lot of readers who would insist “pedestrians always have the right of way,” but that’s just not the case. Drivers are expected to yield (obviously) to people in the road, but that doesn’t mean pedestrians can cross on the red, or jaywalk. Still, the fact remains that San Francisco doesn’t have a very good track record when it comes to walking around safely—per capita, it’s rated as the fourth most dangerous city in the nation for pedestrians.

Still not inspired to join a pedestrian advocacy group? Perhaps the best alternative then is to teach them a lesson by killing them with kindness. After years of working in customer service, you learn the art of telling a pompous ass to kiss yours in a way that makes them initially swoon with delight, only to realize moments later what you were really implying. Enthusiastically invite the pedestrian to slow down and take their time. When you gain their attention, give them two thumbs up and a big smile.

Whatever you do, resist the urge to lay on the horn. No other single act can simultaneously throw everyone in a two-block radius into a cataclysmic frenzy. Besides, we live in a city of constant sirens—please don’t add to the noise.

Good luck sharing the road!
- Heather

Baffled by Bay Area life? Send your questions to heather@culturcosm.com and get some answers for once!

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Comments

3 Responses to “What’s Your Damage? Drive By”

  1. Jenni Bussinger on September 16th, 2009 11:16 am

    AHHHH! Killing with Kindness! A.K.A. sarcasm, which happens to be an all time favorite approach by yours truely! You rock my reading world!

  2. sharon wood on September 18th, 2009 5:42 pm

    Here in south FL if a pedestrian is in a crosswalk the driver’s do stop, but if your on a bike, say a prayer, confess your sin’s because you may not live out the day. People here drive in bike lanes, pass you then give you thumbs up [not]. Use your your imagine here.

  3. jane on November 10th, 2009 2:39 pm

    Well written article, missy:)

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