What’s Your Damage? Beat the Brats

Posted on August 10, 2009 
Filed Under What's Your Damage?

People are strange, and no one knows it better than Heather, our resident smart-mouthed, drink-slingin’, sociologist. Join her adventures in the ridiculous, hilarious, and grotesque, on a quest to understand just what makes us Bay Area weirdos tick.

Vol. 3: Beat the Brats

As a seasoned “bar maid,” I have learned to gloss over a lot of behavior when it comes to the folly of the drunken fool. Building beer can pyramids, eating olives from the fruit tray for dinner, leaving gum and snot filled napkins on the bar counter—it all comes with the territory. Yes even you bro, the one who locked yourself in the ladies restroom for 45 minutes and finally made us break the door down, only to find you passed out on the toilet, pants around your ankles, covered in vomit, even your antics do not surprise me. But one thing that still drives me into sass-attack is the lack of consideration some people have for those who facilitate their good time. Be it bartenders, food servers, cab drivers, or otherwise, a little respect goes a long way. As the saying goes “you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
nellyCase in point: While waiting for the ladies room during a brief lull on a busy Saturday night, Princess Hauteur walked up and proceeded to cut in front of me. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I put my hand on the door and told her I was waiting. To my surprise, the little rat chick proceeded to try and claw my hand off the door and said, “I’m going in.” Stunned, I replied with “No, you’re not. I’m next, and who in baby Jesus’ manger do you think you are?!” Her unceasing determination led me to lady-handle her, pinning her flailing arms down and calling for backup. When my coworker responded, the evil one innocently insisted that she had done nothing wrong and then flashed me an “F you, I’m getting away with it” smile. He quickly realized what I was dealing with, and kicked her out.

If Little Miss Entitled had an ounce of civility she could have enjoyed the rest of the night at her will. Instead she was thrown out. Staying un-86’d, especially from a lenient bar like mine, is not that difficult. Needless to say, a simple “please” and “thank you” go a long way, but here are a few additional tips to ensure limitless belly-up time:

1. Exercise patience. Wait your turn for the restroom, to order your drink (no, “hey bartender,” snapping, or whistling) or to close out your tab. Your zen-like disposition will be noticed, and you’ll likely be served before the guy/girl waving their hands to get attention.

2. Do not come into a crowded bar if you’re going to get testy when someone bumps into you. Unless you’re looking for a fight, and in that case, you’re a d-bag anyway, and you should throw yourself out. By the same token, when you’re in a crowded bar, try to be considerate of your fellow patrons and don’t pour beer on them.

3. Do not sleep on the bar. If you can’t keep your eyes open or hold your head up, please go home. I promise, you won’t miss a thing.

4. Do not drink yourself to the point that you purge. This is not a hot look for you. Furthermore, I will forever associate you with vomit.

5. Do not ask the bartender for cocaine. I am not a dealer of illegal substances. You’ve been watching too much Law and Order if you seriously think there’s some shady under-the-table drug slangin’ goin’ on that you can get in on.

So don’t let poor taste in bar etiquette ruin your reputation. Though we live in a crowded city, it’s only 7 miles square, so you never know when or where you might see someone again. Coming from a small town in the middle of nowhere, I’m constantly surprised that I can run into someone I know whether it be in China Basin or Chinatown. I’m just sayin… I hope I’m lucky enough to run into Princess Hauteur on Union Street one day!

Got any good stories about bad behavior? Comment and tell me all about it!

Share add to del.icio.us :: Add to Blinkslist :: add to furl :: Digg it :: add to ma.gnolia :: Stumble It! :: add to simpy :: seed the vine :: :: :: TailRank :: post to facebook

Comments

2 Responses to “What’s Your Damage? Beat the Brats”

  1. ryan on August 10th, 2009 8:22 pm

    People should be made to read these tips aloud to the doorman before entry. Well-said Heather!

  2. Stephanie Long on August 11th, 2009 3:27 pm

    Cheers to all the hard working bar maids!

Leave a Reply