What’s Your Damage? PDA Pitfalls and Pointers

Posted on July 14, 2009 
Filed Under What's Your Damage?

People are strange, and no one knows it better than Heather, our resident smart-mouthed, drink-slingin’, sociologist. Join her adventures in the ridiculous, hilarious, and grotesque, on a quest to understand just what makes us Bay Area weirdos tick.

Vol. 1: PDA Pitfalls & Pointers

I’m no stranger to PDA.  After all, I work in a bar, and other than back alleys off of Lower Polk at 3AM, bars are the breeding ground for PDA (public displays of affection). There is a gradation when it comes to PDA, and I’ve witnessed the whole range, from softly whispered sweet nothings like, “Baby” or “My beautiful snack pack,” and innocent kisses on the cheek, to under-the-table diddling and dry humping against the jukebox.

As an expert on the matter, I present to you, Heather’s Spectrum of PDA:

Tolerable: Your lover (or hook up du jour…I don’t judge) occasionally planting one on your closed lips as he/she brushes your knee ever so subtly and looks longingly into your glossed over eyes (a ten second rule applies).

Intolerable: It’s safe to say that if any boldily fluid is exchanged it has gone too far.

Downright raunchy: Hands in inappropriate places. If that’s your thing, well, we live in the sexiest city in the west so there are places for that.

To avoid the urge of becoming the voyeuristic pleasure dome of all the other drunk patrons, stick to the bartenders rule:  I don’t drink in your bedroom, so don’t F… in my bar. I’m just saying… No one wants to see your fast track to Randy Town.  And lets be honest, the only positive that can come of this is that you’ve given old drunk Pervy Perverson a little material to work with later.

holdinghands-041That said, I don’t completely vilify PDA.  I admit I’m a new recruit myself. I may be jaded from the annoyance of all the sloppy bar sessions I’ve witnessed, but well, there’s this new guy…  I’ve never been one for even an innocent hand holding, but as of late I’ve found myself engaged in said act right in front of everyone, quickly releasing with a sassy, “Uh… I don’t do that, sorry”, only to find myself unconsciously having grabbed his hand yet again.  Not only have I have accepted my condition, I’m actually starting to enjoy it.

So if you’re like me, twitterpated and unable to keep your hands off that special someone, take your horniness out of the bar and take advantage of some of these PDA-friendly hot spots instead: Take a hike through Lands End and find a sweet nook in the wind-blown Cypress.  If you’re more of a concrete dweller, there are more than 350 stairways around the city that offer romance-inducing views.  Oakland’s recently renovated Fox Theater is a sultry date spot to get you in the mood, and only a 20-minute walk to Lake Merritt for some by-the-water sexy time.

Spread the love! (But not while I’m pouring you a drink.)

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Comments

5 Responses to “What’s Your Damage? PDA Pitfalls and Pointers”

  1. Marissa Delatorre on July 14th, 2009 11:35 am

    I heard that!
    im all about the love but keep yo tongues and saliva out of my face…especially if your over 50..so grosssssssssss
    what happened to getting freaky in your car people??
    get low get low get low

  2. otherwhitefrank on July 14th, 2009 1:11 pm

    I think all bars should come with firehoses standard from the factory, maybe with pigs blood like in Cary. You see the hands start to go down south and blast!
    What are bartenders for if not to give life lessons in the most public and embarrassing way possible?

    -Frank

  3. Kevin on July 14th, 2009 2:44 pm

    Well said my friend

  4. Stephanie on July 16th, 2009 5:20 pm

    Great article, I really enjoyed reading it. Can’t wait for more!

  5. Daniel on July 26th, 2009 7:03 pm

    Funny, and true. Glad ur seeing the other side… Can’t wait for more.

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