Fancy That: Zach Quinto, as Spock or Not
There’s nothing like your first crush. And if you’re anything like us, you crush hard and often. This is where we pay homage to all things worthy of lusting after.
Kay fancies Zachary Quinto, as Spock or Not, ever since viewing the latest installment of the Star Trek franchise three weeks ago. While conventional Hollywood wisdom [sic] would have us pining for the movie’s central ragamuffin stud muffin, Quinto’s Spock, whose chilly cerebral demeanor hums with the undercurrent of sensitive superhero, doubtless raised the regularly placed eyebrows of many an unsuspecting audience member. To quote Anaïs Nin, who knew a thing or twelve about the stylishness of sensitivity in sex appeal, “please do not mistake sensitivity for weakness.”
Hear, hear to the new brand of leading man, pointy ears or not.
If you haven’t seen the new Star Trek film, please do. If you’ve already seen it, kindly refrain from repeat viewings in theaters; this girl needs herself some ZQ on DVD, PDQ. Pause, rewind, repeat. [Image courtesy of www.reelmovienews.com.]
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The Not-So-Real Housewives of Rectal, Texas
From the gated communities of Orange County to the strip malls of New Jersey, modern reality programming has offered us exclusive access into the lives of the spoiled, over-privileged American matriarch. Perhaps documenting the inevitable deterioration of the idealistic nuclear family of old, we are now being presented with the perfect guilty pleasure in family dynamic— the nuclear meltdown of tradition and culture. America is ready for its close-up and it ain’t that pretty a picture.
It is often said that Texas is like a whole other country. If this is to believed, then Rectal is its unequivocal, make-believe Gomorra. It is in just such a town that we find our newest guilty pleasure take shape. From the same twisted minds that brought you Attack of the Killer B-Movies and Wicker Man (a rock opera) comes a sordid tale of murder, mayhem and makeovers. The titular Stale Magnolias are a gaggle of Aquanet-loving, sweet tea-dependent women who are as much a product of their environment as they are a victim of it. CC Chesterfield (played by Julia Mitchell, the play’s only faux queen) is the proprietress of the Last Chance Salon, through which all of Rectal comes to live and dye.
Our hair-oines invite us on a lyrical and topsy-turvy ride equally rife with blow dries and blow outs. Will lifelong frienemies Spuvina (Arturo Galster) and Raven (Jef Valentine) survive the vitriol of their Dynasty-akin relationship? Will Rectal’s own roller girl Louisiana Morales (Rik Lopes) realize her dream of touring with the Ice Capades? Has old age taken all the dance out of Fanny’s (Sean Owens) step? And is the new bowl girl Sugar Sweetly (David Bicha) really to be trusted? It’s a bawdy, ballsy, and bald-faced farce that dares to expose America’s heartland for what it’s worth. And maybe that’s what makes it so fun to watch.
Stale Magnolias runs Saturdays and Sundays* at 8pm through June 14. Performances held at the Glama-Rama Salon, 417 South Van Ness in San Francisco. Buy tickets online here. *dark on Sunday May 31.
—Michael
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Dear Tranny: This is Just a Test
Advice is a drag, unless you’re seeking guidance from Culturcosm’s campy counselor. Looking for insider know-how on making the best of the Bay? Dear Tranny has just what you need and she always gives it up. Penned by Sandra O. Noshi-Di’n't.
Vol. 8: This is Just a Test
Dear Tranny,
I think I might have an STD. I’ve never had one before. I have a primary care physician that I go to for routine check-ups, but I don’t want to see her for this because I fear that she will judge me. Do you know where else can I get tested for a potential STD?
Shameful, Terrified, & Depressed (STD)
Dear STD,
First of all, you shouldn’t feel ashamed at all. I understand that you’re scared and feeling down, but sexually transmitted diseases can happen to anyone. In fact, your resident tranny started off her new year with her very first. And let me tell you, it certainly didn’t deserve any applause.
I can understand your not wanting to go to your regular doctor because of embarrassment, but know that you won’t be judged. But if you absolutely don’t feel comfortable, our wonderful city offers several different options. And, for all you sexually active recessionistas, most of the services are offered either at low or no cost.
The Bay Area offers an easy, free, confidential, and do-it-yourself approach to getting tested through www.STDTest.org. For you jet-setters, who are always on the go and prefer a one-stop-shopping experience, you can visit the San Francisco City Clinic. In addition to clinical exams and evaluation, the Clinic offers on-site lab testing, on-site dispensation of medications and STD patient education, partner notification and treatment services. You can also make an appointment at Haight Ashbury Free Clinics. I personally recommend Magnet located in the heart of the Castro, for self-identifying men who have sex with men. Note that all the testing locations I’ve listed offer a comprehensive screening of various STDs including HIV.
With any potential STD, the sooner you treat it, the better it will be. And remember, STDs are a fact of life and don’t discriminate. Nor does it make you any less of a person. I personally give you props for wanting to act quickly and check it out. In the meantime, always remember to practice safe sex: No glove, no love; no balloon, no party!
Remember, Tranny knows best.
xoxo
Sandra
Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.
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Fancy That: Heimat Cuckoo Clock
There’s nothing like your first crush. And if you’re anything like us, you crush hard and often. This is where we pay homage to all things worthy of lusting after.
Michael fancies the Heimat cuckoo clock by Stefan Strumbel. Former street artist Strumbel began building his colorful clocks as a way to represent the lost concept of heimat (literally “homeland” in German). His take, however, is vastly more unorthodox than the Black Forest tradition— hand grenades and bones are featured prominently alongside more conventional motifs like deer antlers. His reinvention of German culture is drawing a wealth of admirers and garnering the praise of a certain fashion icon. Perhaps an updated lederhosen is next season’s must-have.
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Style Genus: Rupert
As fashion has evolved, so has the public’s ability to reinterpret it and make it our own. The classes aren’t as clear-cut as jock vs. nerd anymore. Style genus is where we finally make some sense of our biodiversity in dress. Think of us as cultural anthropologists— for the fashion-conscious. Clothes, after all, do make the man as well as the woman.
— Michael
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Dear Tranny: Blonde Ambition
Advice is a drag, unless you’re seeking guidance from Culturcosm’s campy counselor. Looking for insider know-how on making the best of the Bay? Dear Tranny has just what you need and she always gives it up. Penned by Sandra O. Noshi-Di’n't.
Vol. 7: Blonde Ambition
Dear Tranny,
I am a natural brunette and have been thinking for quite some time about changing my hair color. I’ve always fantasized about being a blonde. I heard that they have more fun. I’m pretty frugal with my finances and would prefer to avoid ridiculously expensive salon prices to achieve my blonde ambition. Is there an over-the-counter (box) alternative? What about those new highlighting kits?
Blonde Ambitious
Dear Ambitious,
If there’s one thing I encourage everyone to indulge in regularly, it’s fantasy. There’s nothing more satisfying (or safe) than letting your imagination run wild. Just don’t let your dye hard sensibilities get in the way of better judgment.
When choosing a natural and passable hair color, keep in mind that skin tone, eye color, and ethnic background all play a huge role. I remember when I was just a baby tranny, I wanted so bad to be blonde— to be just like my icon Kylie Minogue. Thankfully I never made that fantasy a reality. As Tila Tequila and Sinsu (wannabe BFF to forever flaxen Paris Hilton) have proved, Asian and blonde can be an ill-fitting combination.
You definitely get what you pay for when it comes to hair color. Unless you have some experience using box colors, I wouldn’t suggest using them. And because you are seeking a pretty significant change, which may require multiple processes, I highly recommend having it done in a salon. The same goes for the highlighting kit. You’ll end up with a ridiculously indeterminate hair color by attempting to dodge a ridiculously expensive salon. Keep in mind that many top salons in the city offer classes for their assistants, where you can be a hair model and receive color services at a discounted price.
Most importantly, know that fun comes from within, and has nothing to do with how you get your hair did. My rich, bouncy, and deeply-hued locks and I have enough fun to make even Britney or Lindsay want to turn to the dark side.
Remember, Tranny knows best.
xoxo
Sandra
Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.
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Fancy That: Vanessa Gade Jewelry
There’s nothing like your first crush. And if you’re anything like us, you crush hard and often. This is where we pay homage to all things worthy of lusting after.
Sara fancies elegant yet tough necklaces fashioned by San Francisco jewelry designer Vanessa Gade. Delicate 14K gold vermeil chain strung through a perfect circle of oxidized silver creates an asymmetrical pattern of negative space reminiscent of suspension bridges and power lines. Influenced by the minimalist aesthetic of Scandinavian and Japanese design, Vanessa launched her collection
in 2007.
You can find her work at several boutiques and galleries in San Francisco including The Mission Statement, a friendly local independent designer co-operative.
Culturcosm readers SAVE 20%! Contact Vanessa directly if you are interested in owning one of her gorgeous pieces, or a custom version, at an exclusive discount.
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Art On Coffee High
When you’re a city mouse you know, city dwellers greatly benefit from a handful of peaceful moments in the fresh air, near green living things once in a while. One of the major perks of living here is the proximity of Golden Gate Park and an abundance of other parks and green spaces, plus easy access to nature in the raw form. But when you’re in downtown SF you have to work a little harder for your sunshine daydreams. You gotta know the spots.
The newest place to find your inner peace is five stories above Yerba Buena Gardens. Sunday, May 10th, SFMOMA unveiled the Rooftop Garden, the new home to a collection of large-scale sculptures, and featuring a Bluebottle Coffee outpost—rejoice!
Award-winning San Francisco-based Jensen Architects won the project after a 2006 invitational competition; construction of a multifunctional space for year-round use began in early 2008. The result is, as Mark Jensen describes it, “a gallery without a ceiling.” A glass-enclosed bridge creates a seamless transition for guests to move from the fifth floor into a pavilion dividing two open-air spaces. A panoramic window across the back of the galleries fills the museum with light and offers an elevated vista of the garden.
The sculpture collection represents a diverse range of materials, techniques, and styles—abstract and figurative. It is comprised of well-known, rarely seen, and recently acquired works spanning the last five decades by artists working locally, nationally and internationally—Robert Arneson, Louise Bourgeois, Alexander Calder, Ellsworth Kelly, Mario Merz, and Henry Moore, to name a few. The sculptures entice guests to move around and between them, and to take in the changing layers of color, texture, shadow, and reflection in the garden as a whole.
Gingko leaves flutter, flashing spring green in the sun. The beginning of a lush landscape reaches up from planters along the lava-stone walls that enclose the space, framing the sky and sections of the surrounding cityscape. Over time, the grey walls themselves promise to take on the green shade of lichen. The noise and bustle of the city below don’t exist here—it’s a true urban oasis.
At least I can imagine it is, when it’s not opening day and free to all comers. I’m going to get an SFMOMA membership so I can make the rooftop garden my exclusive coffee joint and place for crossword puzzles. This is gonna be one caffeinated, cultured, and stress-free city mouse.
Beginning Thursday, May 14th, Bluebottle is serving up their cult-worthy organic coffee daily, except Wednesday, 11-5, staying open till 8 Thursdays. “Thursdays at SFMOMA” means your visit is half-price 6-8:45, first Tuesdays are always free. SFMOMA is located at 151 Third Street (between Mission & Howard), in San Francisco. 415.357.4000.
—Sara
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Dear Tranny: Rice, Rice, Baby
Advice is a drag, unless you’re seeking guidance from Culturcosm’s campy counselor. Looking for insider know-how on making the best of the Bay? Dear Tranny has just what you need and she always gives it up. Penned by Sandra O. Noshi-Di’n't.
Vol. 6: Rice, Rice, Baby
Dear Tranny,
I am a gay white boy who is really into Asians. I am also a “wigger”— you know, a white boy with thug appeal. Basically, I’m pretty fly for your average white guy. It seems like I can get no love from my Asian homies because they, straight up, ain’t feelin’ my thug appeal. I always see the ones I like, chasing after other white boys. But always the “Abercrombie” jock types. What’s up with that?
Forlorn in da Fillmore
Dear Forlorn,
Honey, I totally identify with your flavor for the rice. You got some refined taste and, from the sounds of it, a truly original sense of style.
I can’t tell you how important it is to embrace who you are. As our pop Grandma heartily encourages “Express yourself.” Your two scoops of Vanilla Ice with a topping of Eminem is a signature item but not something every guy will crave. And that’s ok! Don’t compromise who you are by morphing into an “Abercrombie” archetype, in the hopes of maximizing your chances of getting the boys.
I’m sure you’ve heard before that there is someone for everyone out there. I absolutely believe that’s true. You just haven’t met him yet. Next time you venture out into the rice paddy, go with confidence and you’ll find your Mr. Sum Yung Guy before you know it. Sho nuf!
Remember, Tranny knows best.
xoxo
Sandra
Have a question about Bay-area life that’s fit for a queen? Email Sandra at deartranny@culturcosm.com.
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Fancy That: Versus Crystal Gladiator Stilettos
There’s nothing like your first crush. And if you’re anything like us, you crush hard and often. This is where we pay homage to all things worthy of lusting after.
Kay fancies Christopher and Tammy Kane’s crystal-studded gladiator stilettos for Versus. In an attempt to resuscitate Versace’s diffusion line, the Scottish brother-and-sister design duo have taken the reins of Gianni and Donatella Versace’s gilded chariot. Essentially a cascading metallic-leather cage, encrusted with outsize Swarovski crystals, this pair is sure to stamp the sweetness out of any outfit. Being no stranger to the triumphs of teamwork, Donatella opines, “Compromises don’t work in accessories.” To be perfectly fair there are no arguments here — except that these beatific booties won’t be available until fall. Nor will they be available to all, priced at $3,400.
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About
Culturcosm is your online authority on the climate of trend throughout the Bay Area. Your roving reporters are taking to the streets and chasing down the real story. Be it stormy or serene, torrid or just plain tragic, we will break it down before you hit it up. Stay tuned. There's a new trend breaking every minute.
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General Inquiriesinfo@culturcosm.com
Michael, founder / editor-in-chiefmichael@culturcosm.com
Kay, founder / contributing editorkay@culturcosm.com
Sara, trendcaster / managing editorsara@culturcosm.com
Heather, social commentatorheather@culturcosm.com
Taylor, music trendcastertaylor@culturcosm.com
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